The most alluring aspect of Grammy telecasts is getting to see all those image-first artists - who are more akin to a highly-processed consumer good, such as AXE body spray or Doritos, than to John Lennon - in a "live" context.Yes, I know legit artists like Radiohead, Black Keys or whoever also surface at the Grammys. This year it's the British songbird Adele and the American radio-rock band Foo Fighters. But I'm already familiar with their music. Because it doesn't make my ears want to throw up.
The Grammys are the only time I'll be exposed to the music of Nicki Minaj. And Katy Perry and Chris Brown. It's a bit like going on a wildlife-watching safari...if the jungle were filled with plastic neon animals that occasionally lip-synch.
Here are notes from this year's safari:
8:05 p.m.
Bruce Springsteen sounded good. It's time for him to stop wearing earrings, though.
8:08 p.m.
Judging from the audience-panning shot during Grammy host LL Cool J's prayer for Whitney Houston, who died last night, Los Angeles may face a fake eyelash shortage tomorrow.
8:11 p.m.
Nice working in an "Around the Way Girl" mention there, LL.
8:13 p.m.
Apparently, Bruno Mars broke into Sha Na Na's old stage-clothes wardrobe earlier today.
8:14 p.m.
Those are respectable James Brown dance moves, though.
8:16 p.m.
Wonder if Bruno Mars traded Stone Temple Pilots frontman Scott Weiland a gram of blow for that megaphone he just used?
8:18 p.m.
By “Chris Brown,” I'm guessing they're not referring to that guy who used to play third base for the Giants in the '80s.
8:19 p.m.
Whoops. Forgot the baseball Chris Brown is dead.
8:22 p.m.
I will run around the block naked if Bonnie Raitt and Alicia Keys bust out Etta James' cover of "Welcome to the Jungle" during this Etta tribute medley.
8:25 p.m.
So far, Lil Wayne's Flavor Flav Halloween costume is the night’s best tribute thus far.
8:29 p.m.
Chris Brown is obviously a huge Michael Jackson fan. Maybe he should cover "Beat It"...or maybe not.
8:33 p.m.
Wow. That Chris Brown performance looked like a dance recital you’d see held at a suburban shopping mall food court.
8:36 p.m.
Bet you Fergie can beat Mark Anthony at basketball.
8:38 p.m.
Never thought I’d ever be sexually aroused by the site of Reba McIntire.
8:40 p.m.
Do you think Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson consumed breath mints before this performance? They're singing pretty close to each other’s faces.
8:45 p.m.
It appears Elton John is the new spokesperson for Burger King. No, it's Pepsi. (Which is pretty much the same thing as being a Burger King spokesperson.)
8:47 p.m.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, The Official Token Rock Band For Every Awards Show...The Foo Fighters. (And I like the Foos.)
8:48 p.m.
Seriously, does the Grammys have contact info for any other rock bands’ booking agents?
8:49 p.m.
Slayer T-shirt alert! Well played, Dave Grohl.
8:51 p.m.
Token Rock Band snark aside, The Foos sound great. This is the best performance thus far tonight.
8:53 p.m.
Can't remember the last time I've seen an inverted pentagram symbol on the Grammys.
8:58 p.m.
Will be interesting to see what new annoying moves Coldplay frontman Chris Martin unveils tonight.
9:00 p.m.
Is there a flash mob going on right now in the middle of Rihanna's performance?
9:01 p.m.
Oh yes, here come the annoying Chris Martin stage moves...
9:03 p.m.
Pretty disappointed Chris Martin neglected to bring that silly spray-painted upright piano of his.
9:03 p.m.
Oh snap, he did bring his silly spray-painted upright piano!
9:04 p.m.
This guy gets to have sex with Gwyneth Paltrow. The universe definitely has a sense of humor.
9:07 p.m.
I couldn't name a musician in Coldplay that is not Chris Martin, even if I had a large caliber shotgun pointed at my head.
9:14 p.m.
Fifty percent percent sure whichever of those two New York Giants players onstage is wearing sunglasses is stoned right now.
9:15 p.m.
Do you think the Grammys asked Dave Grohl to don a jacket to cover up that Satanic pentagram on his Slayer T-shirt?
9:16 p.m.
Awesome acceptance speech from Dave Grohl. Having a beer with him probably would not suck.
9:17 p.m.
If you had to have a beer with either Chris Martin or Adam Levine, which would you pick? I'd have to go with Levine.
9:20 p.m.
Maroon 5's cover of this Beach Boys song reminds me of those hostage video clips that terrorists release to let authorities know the hostages are still alive.
9:23 p.m.
Brian Wilson sounds pretty good tonight, but, man, he always looks so uncomfortable onstage. The aforementioned hostage vibe has permeated this entire Beach Boys segment. Who is holding all these pop bands against their will?
9:25 p.m.
The camera just cut to an audience shot of John Legend grooving to the Beach Boys performance. This is probably the first time ever the Beach Boys have caused a black dude to dance.
9:29 p.m.
Expect lots of pointing-at-the-crowd and an agape mouth from Paul McCartney during his upcoming performance.
9:31 p.m.
LL Cool J seems to be sticking with just one hat for the entire telecast. Pretty shocking.
9:33 p.m.
Joe Walsh is playing guitar with McCartney. They better do "Rocky Mountain Way" or "Funk #49."
9:36 p.m.
Macca breaks out some finger pointing and his mouth is totally agape. Told you!
9:39 p.m.
Vegas odds-makers probably weren't taking bets that this year’s Grammys would include both a Gil Scott-Heron shout-out AND a Slayer T-shirt.
9:40 p.m.
Hey dude in that folk duo Civil Wars: Jack White called. He wants his "Icky Thump" look back.
9:41 p.m.
Hmmm. Taylor Swift seems to have a gotten a "serious artist haircut" earlier today.
9:43 p.m.
Boy, they sure have Taylor Swift's banjo up high in the mix. Ahem.
9:53 p.m.
For time efficiency's sake, they may want to move Adele's chair onto the stage.
9:57 p.m.
Semi-shocked Katy Perry isn't lip-synching. Good for her.
9:59 p.m.
Whoever has tickets behind Jason Aldean has to be pissed. That hat is huge, and definitely view obstructing.
10:09 p.m.
Digging Adele's "Mad Men" hairdo. And it sounds like her vocal cord surgery was super successful.
10:11 p.m.
This "Rolling in the Deep" song is good and all, but we're clearly approaching the threshold of hearing it too many times. Starting to wince every time she unleashes the high big notes when she sings the word “all” during the song's hook.
10:12 p.m.
Adele's performance was the exact 180 opposite of the Katy Perry one, in that the focus is entirely on the music rather than a stylized presentation of impressive breasts.
10:22 p.m.
Glen Campbell is sounding pretty damn good. Was somewhat worried he’d forget where he was and start disrobing onstage, or go on a disjointed tirade about Tanya Tucker or something.
10:23 p.m.
That crowd shot just showed Joe Walsh cutting the rug with some hottie! Twirling is involved. Hot chicks like to boogie to Glen Campbell...Interesting.
10:25 p.m.
Was hoping for an Allman Brothers performance since the Grammys are giving them one of those "Lifetime Achievement" awards. (This award basically means, “You’ve been really awesome for a long time and the people who vote on Grammys were too clueless to recognize this in your artistic prime.”) But no dice on the Allmans appearance. Apparently, there’s no room in this telecast for a 20-minute version of “In Memory of Elizabeth Reed.”
10:34 p.m.
Tony Bennett can still croon it. Nice. And thank you CBS for the audience shot of Rihanna. She is not sexy as all.
10:36 p.m.
Bon Iver will also be receiving a Grammy for Best Comb-Over.
10:43 p.m.
Wow, I would have played up Hubert Sumlin a little more in this memorial montage. I like Etta James, but without her we wouldn’t have Christina Aguilera. Without Sumlin we wouldn’t have Led Zeppelin.
10:54 p.m.
Please, please Run DMC: Sue Chris Brown immediately.
11:08 p.m.
This Nicki Minaj set design reminds me of the one from Ozzy Osbourne’s "Blizzard of Oz" tour. Or maybe I'm thinking of "Diary of a Madman."
11:12 p.m.
Did that tall goober in Lady Antebellum sell the buttons from his shirt on eBay to raise money for charity or something? Cover yourself up, man - you are not Ritchie Sambora circa-1987!
11:16 p.m.
Adele has really mastered that "Unplugged"-era Eric Clapton graceful Brit/mildly embarrassed Grammy acceptance vibe.
11:20 p.m.
Moments before walking onstage, Diana Ross completed a multi-wig trade with Nicki Minaj.
11:22 p.m.
LL is getting the full-frontal boob-squashing hug from Adele. Ladies Love Cool James!
11:25 p.m.
McCartney is sounding fantastic on this "Long and Winding Road." But his bass player and guitarist look like their pictures should be in the dictionary beside the definition for "studio musicians."
11:30 p.m.
Will be interesting to see if McCartney cuts off this five-lead-guitarist thing during "The End" before it becomes embarrassing. And I think Springsteen practices these eyebrow gestures in the mirror.
11:32 p.m.
McCartney only let this jam go on for four guitar solos too long.
11:40 p.m.
LL Cool J would look cool in a Slayer T-shirt.
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